Commitment
by Cha-Cha
Summary: Why is Sheppard afraid of commitment? Can his friends help him through his fear or will he let love pass him by again?


Author: Cha-Cha 

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the show so please don't sue. **

**Warning: Slash**

'Carson, you're friends with Colonel Shepard aren't you?' The young scientist asked as he shifted awkwardly from one foot to the other, switching from leaning on the door frame to standing again.

Looking up from his work on his laptop, Beckett saw one of the scientists he had become closer to after the mans multiple stays in the infirmary. He was a tall man, a little under six feet with piercing blue eyes and a paler shade of brown hair that seemed to have been bleached by the sun. Due to the many accidents with ancient technology he seemed to have, he had spent the most time in the infirmary out of all the science teams, the most recent one that caused him to make a noise very similar to a chicken's clucking for hours on end whenever he tried to talk. It had been a source of great laughter for the science teams until they realised they had no idea how to reverse it, causing it then to become Carson's problem. Fortunately the effects wore off on their own but the man was still very touchy on the subject.

The team were now pretty certain he had discovered the Ancients children's toys and the device was used to change their voices when they told stories. Unfortunately there had been a problem with the wiring which was why the effects had lasted so long instead of the few minutes it was planned to be used in. The team had decided to leave that box alone from then on after the week before it had been Kiren again who had yet another accident with a toy from there. That time green antenna had been projected coming off his head. They were holograms but looked very realistic until they had figured out how to switch them off requiring a few days to find the correct crystals to replace inside. Another sore subject with him!

'Aye, I suppose we are lad. Was their something I could help you with? You don't seem to be injured, are you feeling well?' Carson replied, slightly puzzled on why the man was here as he tended to avoid the infirmary as much as possible when he wasn't a patient due to the extraordinary amount of times he did end up in there.

'I'm fine, but, it's just that...well…um…er…I… er…um…' He blushed as he struggled to get the words out.

'Why don't you take a seat lad, I'll put us on a cuppa tea.' Beckett told him kindly, talking pity on his friend's discomfort. Going over to the counter, he poured out two mugs worth of tea, placing one in front of the doctor before sitting down and taking a mouthful of his own. He had found out the Brits love of tea after he had brought him a small quantity of tea bags as a thank you for not mocking him with his chicken problem. It had turned out he had been only one of about six people on the base, Colonel Sheppard and his team, Dr Zelenka and Dr Weir being the other ones. He mused that it may only have been a lack of cultural knowledge on Teyla and Ronan's part that had stopped them from laughing, but he mused that it must have meant a lot to the man as he also gave them some of his chocolate stash, or so he had heard.

'Maybe if you started at the beginning it might help.' He suggested without any idea why Dr James was there.

'You know this was probably a bad idea…' Kiren started, getting up, not even touching the mug.

'Kiren, you know you can tell me anything, goodness knows we've spent enough time together.' Beckett joked. It seemed to relax the man as he sat down again, a small smile appearing on the Englishman's face.

'I know but…it's just that…there are some things that I just haven't really told anyone about me…really come out about. Some people react really badly, violently, about it…'he trailed off again, almost lost in thoughts about the first time he had revealed his secret. Those who hadn't been violent about it just refused to speak to him. It had taken a while but he had eventually found people to be friends with who had accepted him, but the fear still remained, even with their reassurances.

'Lad, people around here were chosen because of their tolerance. But, it is up to you to choose what you tell people, if you don't want to tell me, you don't have to.' Carson kept his voice gentle so as to reassure the man.

'Well, you see, I have a different problem which I need help with, but I don't think you can help unless I tell you.'

'Try me.'

'Well, I was flirting with this person and it was going really well.'

'That's good, who was she…' something clicked in the doctor's mind as he abruptly stopped, 'it wasn't a lass was it?' He stated rather than questioning the man.

Kiren stared intently at his hands, waiting for whatever his friend would do next. He wasn't embarrassed about his sexuality, just still a little skittish about telling people. It was even harder for him to begin to ask someone out, which really was why he was seeing his friend, to see if he had done anything wrong.

'Why would you think I would be anything less than supportive lad?' Carson asked him, slightly hurt that he would think he was like those others who had been so terrible in the past.

'Come on, you've seen my medical file!' Kiren exclaimed, looking up for the first time, desperate to explain to his friends why he didn't want it getting around 'I spent two months in hospital and lost nearly all my friends!'

'Things are different here. I don't know of anyone who would be anything less than supportive.'

'American military mind mean anything?'

'It may have to be kept a secret if they are gay and in the military, but they must be tolerant otherwise they wouldn't be here.' Beckett told him 'but this wasn't your problem was it, coming out?'

Dr James shook his head, getting to the real reason he felt so confused. 'Well, it was going really well. I'm so out of practice with flirting that I didn't even realise that was what we were doing to begin with.' He smiled at the memory before continuing, 'and then suddenly he went slightly paler and walked out without saying another word.'

'Colonel Sheppard?' Carson clarified, remembering why the man had come to him in the first place. The other Brit nodded; his frustration at the whole event evident.

'He was defiantly flirting back?' Beckett asked, also not too sure why the Pilot would have walked out.

'Heavily.' Beckett thought about it for a few minutes before shaking his head, coming up with no reason why.

'I don't know lad.' He eventually spoke with a sigh.

'Do you think you could talk with him, I mean, I know we get along and everything, but if I did something wrong or I just got the wrong end of the stick maybe or…well, your closer to him than me.' Kiren rambled, not too sure how to phrase his request.

'I suppose I could, but I'm not making any promises.' Beckett reluctantly replied, but the relief on his friends face pushed away any remaining doubts he had.

'Thank you Carson so much! I owe you big time!'

'How about you staying in one piece and speaking the Queens language for a week as paying me back.'

'I'll do my best.' Kiren told him with a smile, feeling a lot more relieved than when he had entered.

'Would it be possible to speak to a few other people about this? They may have a much better idea than me why.'

Kiren's face fell a little at the thought.

'They're people I trust,' Carson reassured him 'and I know they aren't homophobic in the least! If you want I won't mention your name.' he added with a secretive smile.

'Who?' he demanded, curious to who he knew he could come out to.

'Well, there's who I'm seeing and his friends!'

'Come on, you gotta tell me! You can't just leave me with that and expect me to go!'

'Rodney.' Beckett told him after a few minutes of pretending to think about it.

'Congrats! I know they would be fine with the whole issue, but I think I'd prefer to come out on my own to them if it's okay?' Carson nodded, understanding completely where the lad was coming from.

Going to the door, Kiren turned giving his nod of thanks before going-straight into the Colonel in question.

'Sir!' He reacted instantly, almost standing to attention, his old habits not quite as buried as he thought they were. Correcting himself, he added, 'Uh see you later Colonel.' Before hurrying out of the infirmary leaving behind a very confused Pilot.

'Something bothering you Colonel?' Carson asked as he came out of his office, leaning on the door frame as John stared out of the door where the other man had gone moments before. There seemed to be a flash of sadness and regret but was quickly covered up with the typical Sheppard care free grin.

'Nah, we were about to go to dinner and were hoping you would join us. We may even be able to get McKay out of his lab this evening.'

'Wow, what's the special occasion?' Beckett joked as he put his lab coat on its hook. His shift had actually ended about ten minutes ago, but he had been so caught up in some research he had completely lost track of the time. He hadn't even noticed how hungry he was until dinner was mentioned.

'We were kind of hoping just having you with us would increase our chances, but if that doesn't work we have a plan B.'

'Aye? And what is plan B?' The two of them headed towards the exit, meeting Teyla and Ronan waiting there before going in the direction of the labs.

'I believe Colonel Sheppard mentioned something about the Daedulus run being today and there is real food on offer.' Teyla helpfully filled him in causing him to chuckle slightly. That would certainly get him out.

As it turned out it was easier than he first suspected to talk to the other members of Sheppard's team as he was called away by Weir in the middle of eating to clarify some reports as well as figure out punishments for a fight that had concerned two of the marines. It eventually emerged they were fighting over a bar of chocolate, but needless to say the Civilian and Military leaders were less than impressed.

Explaining Kiren's problem and the Colonels unusual behaviour, no one could think of why he had behaved in that manner.

Strolling out of the mess hall, they continued to talk about it.

'Maybe he's straight and not even he realised he was flirting and when he did he ran.' Rodney suggested as they wandered down one of the corridors.

'The person said he was flirting pretty heavily which suggests he knew what he was doing.' Carson shook his head as he disagreed with his lover's suggestion.

'Perhaps he was mistaken in that the Colonel was flirting.' Teyla put the idea forward but her heart was not really in it.

'A possibility but I don't think so lass.'

'Maybe we should ask Colonel Sheppard. He would know the answer.' Ronan's rumbling voice cut in, offering the only alternative left.

'Are we sure it is any of our business?' Rodney added in, playing devils advocate.

'Is what your business?' Sheppard's voice drifted into their ears, causing the two doctors to jump slightly, mirroring guilty expressions firmly in place while the others simply turned to face their other team member.

Seeing they were next to a balcony, Rodney slipped inside giving a subtle sign for the others to follow.

His curiosity piqued at what was the centre of such a deep discussion which caused them to stop talking as soon as he spoke, John followed them.

'We're curious.' Rodney stated, but gave no indication of carrying on.

'Okay I'll bite, curious about what.' Sheppard lent against the wall, facing the others, his face neutral.

'Someone came to see me this afternoon about something.' Carson started but wasn't too sure where to go from there.

'Yeah, I bumped into him. What about him?' Although managing to keep most feelings out of his voice, he had a feeling where they were headed. Anywhere but there, please he sent out a silent plea.

'He said you were behaving very oddly this afternoon.' Teyla told him causing Ronan to roll his eyes in frustration at the delicate way they weren't getting anywhere.

Damn was the only thought that sprung to mind. No such luck at escaping this conversation. The one place he really didn't want to go.

'Do you want to have sex with him because there is confusion about you flirting with him then running?' Ronan bluntly told the Colonel, causing his mind to go blank in surprise. It wasn't exactly the way he expected the conversation to go.

'Ronan!' Teyla scolded him, to which his only response was to shrug his shoulders in a manner as though saying you were taking too long.

'Yeah, what he said.' Rodney resigned, giving a gesture to the Runner indicating who the 'he' was before adding 'we aren't the military so there's none of this don't ask don't tell nonsense you have to obey.'

'I err...' for once he was at a loss for words, torn between running, lying or telling them the real reason. No one had ever found out the reason why he stopped dating, settling only on one night stands and quick hand jobs in rest rooms. He had made sure no one would ever find out the reason; never give some one that kind of control over him again.

Seeing the battle wage over their friends face, they felt the reason was worse than they had predicted.

'John, you can trust us. Let us help you.' Carson told him softly.

'Look, it's nothing really, I just don't date anymore. Ever.' Sheppard told them resignedly.

'Why not? It seems a very lonely way to live.' Teyla asked him, her confusion evident on her face. To her people, relationships were encouraged as it was impossible to tell when the Wraith would next come. Happiness was encouraged to the maximum.

A sigh escaped from his lips, the energy to fight and leave them seemed to seep away as he wandered to the edge of the balcony, leaning heavily on it while facing the crashing waves as they bumped into the city.

'It was a long time ago; I was probably a little older than Ford and I fell in love with this guy, Andy. We really hit it off and started living together opposing as room mates but then things just went down hill so quickly I never even realised what was happening. It was mostly little things. I'd come home after a number of months and he wouldn't be there, he'd be off with someone else, then he started telling me how fat I always looked which embarrassed him and how stupid I was. And I believed him. I started to loose weight so as to please him, I tried showing how smart I was but he was never happy. I started to cut myself as a way of dealing, then I started to smoke and finally it was alcohol. Never while I was on duty, but the second I came home, I couldn't stop. It was Mitch who finally found out when he came to see me. He packed my things, got me sorted out and let me stay with him for a while. After that I promised I would never give my heart away. I was nearly dead when I finally left Andy.' Sheppard told him, his voice flat and emotionless as he narrated the tale. The words seemed to flow from his lips without any control while his mind relived those days.

'I'm so sorry.' Beckett told him, coming up to his side. 'No one should have to go through that kind of abuse, but as you said, it was a long time ago and you have to eventually let things go. You can't hide your heart away forever.'

'It's worked pretty well so far.' Sheppard replied with a humourless smile.

'Has it?' Ronan rumbled.

'I doubt very much he would ever do as this other person did, nearly everyone here is very nice and would never consider causing you so much pain and grief.' Teyla added with a half smile, trying her hand at match making causing the Colonel to smile for real at her attempts.

'I know but…' he trailed off, not willing to admit he was afraid.

'Perhaps if you talked to him, let him understand why you fear such a relationship.' She added, recognising what he wasn't saying. Putting his hand on her shoulder, he gave her a silent thanks, before leaving, his mind full of questions that had no answers. Yet.

Lying in his room, Sheppard looked at his clock again; still only three in the morning. The words his friends had spoken earlier still rang in his head, but he couldn't think of what to do about them.

Too many years and so much pain and humiliation from his first serious relationship were all still there, no matter how hard he tried to forget.

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It was getting nearer five when Kiren awoke again. The whole night he had woken nearly every hour, the thoughts of Colonel Sheppard disappearing out of the door weighing heavily in his mind.

Deciding to give up on the fruitlessness of sleeping, he grabbed his kit he headed down to the gym. Getting up at this hour was no challenge as he had done it for many years, although not in the last few. It had taken a long time to get out of the swing of getting up then he mused with a half smile, and it wasn't a time he missed.

Going into the gym, he took out his towel, setting it down to one side, near the window before running through a few relaxing warming up exercises. Tai Chi had been a hobby he had taken up to keep fit outside of the lab but now it just felt a good way to start the day, as he had done since coming to Atlantis, but now it just seemed to be a way to relax after a restless night.

Feeling slightly warm, he began on a few simple run through of some moves before loosing himself to the gentle rhythm, not hearing the waves outside, nor the doors to the gym opening and a few other marines and a scientist entering.

Sensing his mind was a lot better at ease and his body covered in a fine sheen of sweat, he went through a few warming down exercises to finish, before jumping at who had come in. Glancing at his watch, he was surprised to see an hour had passed so quickly.

'That looked relaxing. What was it?' A voice from behind asked, startling him.

'Tai Chi. I find it a good way to start the day.' Kiren told Sheppard, trying to cover up his little jump. And to try and cover up thoughts of you he added in his mind, but he certainly wasn't going to say it out loud. Going over to his towel, he wiped it over his face before sitting down by the bag, facing the other man. The room had been slowly emptying as the time for the mess to be open for breakfast.

'I wanted to talk to you, and apologise.' The colonel started, not too sure where to begin, but realising they would have to talk sooner or later about it, preferably sooner with the way emergencies kept cropping up.

'You don't have to say anything, I already know.' Kiren told him with sinking feeling deep inside, he had gotten the wrong end of the stick and it was just wishful thinking that he had been flirting back. It was time to at least save a little bit of his dignity in this. 'I'm sorry I hit on you and you don't need to worry about it happening again, I hope we can still be friends.'

Before John could think of a reply to this statement, the tall sandy blonde man picked up the man and left the room, trying to convince himself that his heart wasn't breaking. He'd had fallen in love with Sheppard nearly a year before now, just after spending a while in the infirmary for yet another accident when John had also happened to be there. They'd quickly hit it off, becoming friends, although they busy working times followed by crises meant they didn't spend that much time together. But recently, he had felt as though their friendship had been progressing, but obviously he had been wrong. He only hoped their friendship would survive this.

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Staring after the retreating man, he realised just how long it had been since he had last been made speechless. Jumping up from where he dashed to the door and looked down the corridor. Kiren was gone.

Damn! He thought loudly, mentally cursing himself for starting the conversation that way. Finally giving up on sleep he had decided to confront Kiren later that day, after a good pummelling of the punch bag, but seeing the man in there, obviously lost in a sequence of complicated moves, he had decided to watch and confront him when he finished.

Great job John; you can see how well that went! He carried on mentally berating himself, slamming his hand into the door frame before re entering the room and taking his self anger out on the punch bag.

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'Dr James right?' A voice from behind queried, interrupting his thoughts. Turning, he saw one of the newer people on Atlantis, Major Lorne he thought.

'Yeah, Why? Something wrong?' Kiren asked, not too sure why he would be wanted by any of the military members, unless of course they had found out about his preferences… His heart began to hammer at just the thought of it. Trying to be rational, he knew it would probably be best just to listen to what he had to say, there was mo way he could know, unless the Colonel had told everyone, the joke of the evening that he had been hit upon by one of the scientists.

Not realising all that was going on in the scientists mind, Lorne gave him a smile in relief, 'Thank goodness, Dr Harvey went down ill this morning and we were going to P45 809 today since there's some Ancient technology and we now need someone who knows what they're looking at. She suggested you, I mean, if you want to come?'

'Sure, that'd be great. When do we leave?' A breath he hadn't even realised he was holding escaped his lips as he heard the Majors request and a bubble of excited nervousness replaced his earlier fear.

'0800 in the gate room, I can give you the briefing as we walk there.'

'Okay, anything in particular I need.' Kiren asked; his heart racing at the thought. It was the first time he had been off world to look at some technology, normally preferring to stay in the lab, deciding that he had spent more than enough time in the outside in the past and it was time to let someone else explore the danger.

'Can you use a gun or any weapons?' Lorne requested sceptically.

'Anything you can give me, including the Wraith Stunners.' He replied, enjoying the surprised look he caused. 'I was the one who figured out how to use them.' He added.

'Well, arm up with what's comfortable whatever tools you think will be needed for Ancient stuff and a life signs detector, you do have the gene don't you?' He then asked; realising not all of the original team did. Kiren nodded. 'Okay, I'll see you in two hours.' Lorne gave him a nod before heading back to the control room.

Slipping inside his room, Kiren gave the first smile of the day. He was going off world!

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'Colonel, Major Lorne's team are 3 hours overdue. I'm sending you and your team to check on them in a Puddle jumper. They may be fine but we haven't been able to raise them on their radios.' Dr Weir told Sheppard as he entered her office.

'What were they doing?'

'There were some ruins on P45 809 Major Lorne and his team were going to check out. The planet was deserted and they took along two extra doctors, Dr James and Dr Yots.'

The name seemed like punch in the stomach, 'Dr James?' he asked, and hoping it wasn't who he thought it was, 'Dr Kiren James, the Brit?'

'Yes, why? You have a problem with him?' Weir looked at him scrutinising.

'No, just a friend.' He quickly covered; Elizabeth seemed to have an uncanny knack of knowing exactly what he was thinking. 'I'll have my team kitted out and ready to go in thirty minutes.' He told her before leaving to tell the others about the emergency mission.

Gliding over the top of the ruins, there was no sign of anyone below.

'There isn't any sign of the team in the ruins.' Ronan's voice rumbled from the back of the jumper, looking out of the window.

'I'm not getting anything on the life sign scanner either.' Rodney added; his voice distracted 'Maybe you could widen the search?'

Without acknowledging the comment, Sheppard mentally asked the Jumper to scan the surface. Instantly 6 dots appeared in a clustered area slightly out of range of the small detector but not too far from the ruins where they were supposed to be.

Setting the Jumper down, they exited, weapons drawn. The wooded area was silent, unnerving the group. Something was certainly not right as there should at least be some wildlife noises. Not even the trees rustled.

'Over here Colonel.' Teyla called over. Heading over to her they saw a native man lying in the ground, obviously having been killed by a gun. A few metres in front there were other bodies but no sign of any Atlanteans. Signalling to follow the life signs detector that had begun to pick up the team as soon as they landed, Sheppard took point while Ronan covered their six, with Teyla on the lookout in the middle, keeping an eye on the scientist who wasn't particularly aware of their surroundings.

We should be right on top of them.' McKay pointed out suddenly causing the others to abruptly stop, searching the area even better.

'Identify yourself!' a shaky voice demanded from somewhere in the shrubbery. Recognising the voice of Dr Yots, Sheppard resisted rolling his eyes as it was more than likely he was armed and very much on edge.

'Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard, Atlantis Dr Yots. You can lower the gun now.' He stated clearly, trying to make sure he was heard clearly, but at the same time not to spook the scientist.

'Oh thank god! Kiren you can lower it, it's Colonel Sheppard!' Yots voice was filled with relief as he exited the bush. 'Colonel! You've got to come in with us, all of Major Lorne's team are unconscious and Kiren's injured!' he explained as fast as he could before going back into the bushes without a second glance.

'Okay, Teyla, watch our six round here, Rodney and Ronan, we'll go and see how badly off everyone is.'

Finally getting Yots to sit down and explain what happened, it turned out there had been natives on the planet who had vehemently disagreed with them being in the ruins and refused to even consider negotiating, instead throwing some kind of smoke bombs at them. He and Kiren had been sent into the woods to hide with Lorne and his team right behind them but they hadn't shown up. Kiren then led him back to the ruins and found a few of the natives still there about to finish them off with spears when he killed them all before the two of them dragged the unconscious men back to here where the two of them had been waiting for a rescue.

Looking around, the team were still unconscious with an assortment of blankets from packs and jackets to try and keep them warm while Dr James was sat leaning back clutching a P-90, his face very pale.

'I didn't know what to give him, he refused the morphine cos he's allergic to it but his leg is broken and possibly his ribs.' The panicked doctor finished.

Going over to him, the air force Colonel gave him a good looking over at his injuries. 'So how did you manage to get yourself hurt this time?' He asked gently teasing him while extracting the gun.

'Fell. Ground wasn't stable over there in the caves and I fell. Dan helped me back here where we had left the others. No other way. Too unstable in caves.' He wheezed out, giving more evidence to broken ribs as he held himself tighter.

'You did well, now lets get you home.' John reassured him before going back to the other members of his team. 'Okay, we need to move them back to the jumper, so Rodney and I will escort Dr James back while you,' indicating to Ronan, 'will stay here with the others. I'll leave them in the jumper and bring back stretchers so we can carry the rest back somehow.'

Nodding in agreement to how to get them all back without leaving anyone without a weapon, McKay and Sheppard helped the injured man up and began the slow walk back as it wasn't that far away they had to go.

Trying not to think of the agony he was in, Kiren dazedly began to take in his surrounding. Something seemed to move from the corner of his eye, but then it seemed to be gone again. He shook his head, guess there may have been a head injury as well as the broken bones, but then it seemed to be there again. It hit him like a ton of bricks, the maths didn't add up. There had been 12 warriors when they had attacked but he had only seen 11 bodies. With a speed he didn't know he possessed, he spun out of the grip the two other men had on him to face the direction he thought he saw something, remembering not to put any weight on that leg, and pulled out his handgun. Flicking off the safety in a fluid motion he fired one shot, quickly followed by the sound of a bullet hitting flesh. The recoil hit him with a force he had never felt before, causing his abused ribs to howl in protest and the darkness that had been hovering nearby to sweep him into unconsciousness.

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"_Night time _

_Sharpens_

_Heightens each sensation_

_Darkness stirs_

_And wakes imagination_

_Silently the defences_

_Abandon their defences" _The rich voice drifted out of the infirmary as Colonel Sheppard wandered in. Looking around, he saw that the patient had been allowed his iPod and speakers, which were now belting out Music of the Night from the Musical Phantom of the Opera. His voice was as strong as an Opera singers but it had a quality to it that suggested it could also be used to sing other types of music. Yet the man didn't seem to realise that he was singing as he sat in the bed with all of his attention on a large notebook, hastily drawing something; all the time staying in tune and word perfect.

Going to the bed next to Kiren, he perched on the edge content with listening, giving a smile to Carson who seemed to be doing the same.

"_Slowly _

_Gently_

_Night infers its splendour_

_Grasp it_

_Sense it_

_Tremulous and tender_

_Turn your face away_

_From the garish light of day_

_Turn your thoughts away from cold unfeeling light_

_And listen to the music of the night_

_Close your eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams_

_Purge your thoughts of the life you knew before" _The music and his voice began to crescendo, but his ribs began to slightly protest at the use of them. Pausing a minute and concentrated solely on his singing, as though checking to see if anything was wrong, but instead shrugged his shoulders and carried on drawing.

"_Close your eyes and let our spirit start to soar"_ Holding this note, he suddenly gave a yelp and curled in on himself at the shock of the sudden pain. Beckett was instantly by his side checking his vitals.

'Now, this time I want you to relax, your ribs need time to heal. This means no singing for a while or sports.' Beckett told him sternly once he was satisfied everything was normal. Kiren winced, but not at the jolt of pain he had received and uncurling.

'You heard?' he asked, horrified he had been singing loudly enough for everyone to hear. Stage fright was the only reason he had never done any professional singing.

'Aye and I think every one nearby as well. You have a wonderful voice, but we'll appreciate it more in a couple of weeks without the yelps of pain.' The Doctor told him mock seriously before heading back into his office.

It had been a week since they had returned to Atlantis after the rescue mission. Lorne's team had been quickly released after the sleeping gas had worn off and their blood came back normal although with the threat that they had to come back if they felt even the slightest bit odd or else spend the next two weeks under Beckett's careful watch.

Dr James on the other hand had regained consciousness a day after returning with two broken ribs, one bruised and a broken leg, much to his embarrassment as he had only fallen down a hole.

Carson had been less than impressed, especially after the promise he would stay out of trouble, therefore forcing him to stay in the infirmary for at least a week so that he couldn't possible injure himself anymore than he already had. When he mentioned this, the man blushed and mumbled something about holes that caused the Doctors ears to go red before apologising with protests that he hadn't planned to fall.

'That was some great singing, I'm just tone deaf.' Sheppard commented from one side causing the injured man to jump slightly again. A grimace of pain crossed his face causing John to wince in sympathy.

'Colonel.'

'John.' He corrected him instantly.

'Sorry?' Kiren met his eyes not too sure what he was being told.

'My name, it's John. Not Colonel.'

'Yes.' Dragging the word out he made it sound like he was pointing something very obvious to a small child but which didn't really have any relevance.

'I was hoping you would use it every now and again.'

'Oh! Sure,' came the wary answer.

Shifting awkwardly on the bed he was leaning against, John plunged straight to why he had come. 'I came here really for two things, the first being a lot easier'.

'Right,' came the drawn out word again as the scientist placed his drawing equipment on the table next to him and turning all of his attention onto the soldier. A cold feeling seeped into his stomach; he doesn't want to be friends and is trying to let me down gently, the nagging voice at the back of his head taunted.

'I really wanted to see how you were doing, I mean after the thing with the natives,'

'Well you can kind of see what hurts, leg, ribs. I'm fine, really.'

'That's not what I meant.'

'Oh.' The confusion quickly returned as Kiren's eyebrows knitted themselves together as he tried to work out what the other msn was talking about.

'I meant the shooting.'

'Oh, that. I'll probably have a few nightmares about it, but I'll be fine, nothing to worry about,' he answered as honestly as he could; breathing a sigh of relief that was what he had come to talk about. Surely if he was concerned he would still want to be friends, right?

'You're okay after killing nearly 10 men?' he asked sceptically 'And where did you learn to shoot like that? You hit him dead centre.' Sheppard put forward the other question that had been nagging at him. He was also surprised at the response from the man, normally a civilian would be a wreck of guilt about what they had done, but Kiren acted as though it wasn't anything new.

A small smile played on his lips, recognising where the other mans surprise came from. 'I was in the British army for quite a while. Regimental Sergeant Major before I left to do my doctorate. I learnt pretty quickly how to deal with this kind of thing.' He paused for a second in thought, 'Although, they were soldiers Earth and not people in another galaxy"! Not a lot of training for that!' Sheppard heartily agreed to that one.

'Wow, impressive!' Sheppard gave a whistle in admiration, 'I'll have to remember that next time I go in the field and need a scientist and soldier.'

'So what else did you want to see me about?' Kiren moved the conversation on, hoping it wasn't to do with him hitting on the man.

'Well, it was what you said before you left, about getting it wrong,' he paused, the familiar nerves came back. Deciding the best way to explain why he had run was to repeat what he had told the others.

A seething hatred of 'Andy' descended on Kiren as he listened to the Colonels tale, understanding dawning on him.

'And, well, I do like you. Quite a bit…but…I…' Sheppard stopped, embarrassed at actually being scared of a relationship.

'I think I understand, no I do understand,' he corrected himself, thinking of his own fear of coming out, 'perhaps a little too well. I don't play games and I don't try and change people, ever. So if you want to…' he trailed off, letting the question hang.

A genuine shy smile graced John's lips as he leant in and gently kissed the other man. It was nothing passionate, just testing to see if it was okay. Leaning back, he looked into the scientist's eyes to see if he had done anything wrong. A twinkle of amusement shone there before he carefully reached out and pulled Sheppard back in for a deeper kiss. Feeling Kiren's mouth open slightly, he used the opportunity to slip his tongue in, exploring his lover's mouth for the first time, Kiren doing the same to him seconds after. It was then their hands began to roam, feeling and mapping out bodies.

A throat cleared behind them causing them to spring apart.

'I would appreciate it if you could refrain from molesting my patient until he is out of here Colonel.' Beckett's amused voice interrupted as a deep blush spread across their faces, 'although I have to say you are making quite a show.' He added before a round of applause sounded out with a few whistles.

His breath caught in his throat. They knew! Kiren could feel the usual panic surging up, his hands shaking uncontrollably while the ability to breathe was being severely hampered. Carson's face instantly appeared in front of him telling him to take in deep slow breaths.

The trembling didn't stop, but his breath finally started to come slightly easier.

'I'm sorry Kiren if we startled you, we did not realise you would be so affected.' Teyla's concerned voice came through clearly. Looking over, he saw it was only Dr McKay, Major Lorne, Teyla and Ronan who had caught them.

Shaking his head at them, he didn't trust his voice for the moment; he told them that wasn't it.

'Well what is it; most people don't have panic attacks after kissing someone?' Rodney demanded earning himself a few glares.

'It's a month and a half in a coma, a fractured wrist, broken arm, broken nose, three broken, two cracked and four bruised ribs, a broken leg and a dislocated shoulder. That was a gift from my friends after I came out to them.' The words seemed to rush out without control, his voice filled with anger at what they had done to him. The horrified looks on their faces was enough to reassure Kiren they weren't at all like them.

'I do not understand ho your people can do such things! Teyla commented, astonished at the things people on Earth do. 'Why would they wish to harm you so simply for choosing to be with people of the same gender?' To her surprise it was Rodney who answered; an understanding in his eyes as he met Kiren's.

'They seem to think that being gay makes you weaker than them or it's contagious and if they stay around you too long they'll start thinking that way as well.' Bitterness entered his voice as he remembered all the comments people had made to him, from the supportive remarks from his sister to the bruises and insults from bullies.

'Some people just can't accept people who think or act differently from them.' Sheppard added, his own sad smile flitting across his lips. Looking over to the Major, he changed the subject slightly. 'So Major, what are you going to do about this?'

'Well Sir, I really can't ask about what you were doing and since I am not too sur3e what was going on, there really is nothing I can say or tell anyone!' Lorne replied with a mischievous twinkle in his eye, and a small smile. He liked both of the men, and there was no reason to spoil any joys in this galaxy, especially when the dangers were so close. 'What happened to you was vile and cowardly, I'm pretty certain that everyone else here would think the same. If you ever do decide to come out, I doubt there would be a single person who would do as they did or if they did decide to follow those morals; they wouldn't last here two minutes. People think very highly of you Dr James, you have many, true friends.' Lorne finished before leaving the infirmary.

'The Major is correct, anyone who behaved like that would be very quickly,' she paused choosing the correct words she wanted, 'dealt with.' By her side, Ronan nodded in agreement while Beckett simply leant into his lover slightly showing solidarity.

Hope surged t6hrough his body as he looked at his friends. Things would be different here. Life will be good.

A week later, lying in bed, Kiren suddenly awoke. A smile crossed his lips as he looked at the naked, sleeping man next to him. Glancing at the clock, he saw it was close to six, his usual time for waking before going to the gym. He'd skipped it the last few days, deciding to rest for a bit, but today he was starting to feel restless, and the need to do some gentler exercises surged up. Placing a ghost kiss on Johns head, he hobbled into the bathroom to quickly shower (quickly for someone with a cast on his leg and bandages around his chest) and change into some sweatpants and tee shirt. Coming out, the Colonel had just begun to wake. He stood, blinking his eyes and wandered over to his lover, wrapping his arms around him and leaning his head against his shoulder.

'I thought Beckett said no sport until you were healed?' John murmured, becoming more awake as the moments passed.

'It isn't a sport; it's relaxing and a martial art.' Kiren retorted as he went over to his kit bag after sliding out of the embrace. Placing the bag on a nearby chair, he swept his eyes over the still naked man.

'Like what you see?' John leered, now fully awake, his eyebrows raised on amusement while his arms were crossed in front of him.

'Definitely!' Kiren leered back before kissing him lovingly, extracting a number of moans from the Colonel.

'But you still aren't going! You won't need Tai Chi to relax you after I'm finished with you.' Sheppard told him more seriously with a slight leer, before kissing him once again, only this time deepening it and gently pushing his lover towards the bed.

Oh yes, life was good! Kiren realised.

The End


End file.
